And then the monkey proceededto live through the weekend, and then for 30 years. So everyone says,"Oh, my gosh, "you have a monkey as a sister,that's my dream! " It's not cool,and it's not a dream 'cause she was a huge bitch. And, like, I would tell,you know, my--my--my, uh, second-grade teacher,"Oh," like, "my collagegot ripped up by my monkey." And she'd thinkthat I was, um, uh, disturbed,and I had to go to the psychologist--the school psychologist 'cause my mom didn't botherto bring a monkey in or explain. So she would, like,take my favorite holographic, magic 8-ball Pogand, like, tear off the top of it. Or she would, like--shehad these like long, monkey, Crypt Keeper fingers,and she would, uh, unscrew the peanut butter,which is my favorite, and she'd, like,run her fingers through it. Okay, so I have my little helperhere, oh, thank you very much. This is Amelia, she has--she's eating challah with an eye infection. Or the worst is I would be on the toilet-- you just want some solitude,you want to be by yourself, have some relaxing time. So she runsand she gets tangled up in the mosquito netting,and she's like re-- she's a ball of ragein a net. And my boyfriendis just so stoic-- he's just like, "Mr. It's--oh, no." And then I realize she's notgonna be there.
I had, like, seat bucklespressed--impressions in my ass, very romantic. Amelia--Amelia passed awayafter 30--30 years with us. And my mom gave her thedignified Princess Diana funeral that she always wanted.
The Georgia Children's Cabinet consists of all state agency heads that work with child populations as well as select community, philanthropic, education, and business stakeholders.
This single group is the place where state and community programs are aligned and recommendations for improving delivery of care to children are made to informat state decision making.
- She, like, strolls onto the bed, and she takes a shit, like she's dropping the mic. Try to lose your virginity now,after that." [dark electronic music] [heartbeat pulsing] ♪ [slurping] ♪ [cheers and applause] - Welcome to"This Is Not Happening". [cheers and applause] - So my sister's thecoolest person in my whole town.
I'm Ari Shaffir, and tonightthe topic is "bloodline." [cheers and applause] Please, give a warm round of applause. And let me explain a little bit about my sister--I got to go back.
My mom used to worktraining monkeys as aidsfor quadriplegics.
[laughter]So-- So like Seeing Eye dogs,they help the blind. Uh, and we were ready,when I was 16, to "do it,"and I was so excited.
They tried to get these monkeysto help quadriplegics. They're--they really don'twant to be helpful, they're not interestedin being helpful. She'd like rub her tummyat him, and he'd be like,"That's so cute." And I would say,"No, you don't understand! Don't do that to a monkey'cause it's-- you're baring your teeth,that's a sign of aggression. And I planned it,um, 'cause as the ladies in the audience know, like,ambience is very important when you're gonnalose the V card. And we waited for my parentsto be out of the house, across the streetat a holiday party. And so we were making outand fooling around and it was like getting,like, hot, and he took off his shirtand like-- [exhales]It was so steamy.
Um, and so like,the quadriplegics would have a little straw toblow into to release a treat if the monkey dida good behavior, like, uh, you know, give them-- like, turn a page in a book,or something. And my mom was like,"I want to give her "a peaceful place to die. " And then everyone would be like,"Oh, my God, look, Amelia's eating spaghettiwith her feet, oh! And here, this is what I showedto my therapist very recently, um. So things got even worsewhen I went through puberty. And they want youto like them, but monkeys have thisvery rigid hierarchical system. She--she ripped upall my homework." Um, and she--she particularly didn't like my laugh, um. So anytime I laughed,she'd be like, "Oh, you want to go? So I got princessmosquito netting, and I got votive candles,candles, um... And I was giggling 'cause I was a little bit nervous.